I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
