my phone needs a breathalizer
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
