bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
