I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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