Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize