My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
