hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
