final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
