got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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