my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My liver just had a heart attack.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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