I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
