You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
