Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
