Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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