i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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