Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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