wrigley field is MILF paradise
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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