I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
