Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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