Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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