There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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