The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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