You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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