he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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