Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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