It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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