Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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