Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
