My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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