sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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