Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
