Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have fence marks all over my body
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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