Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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