Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize