i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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