carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
