The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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