When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
