sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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