i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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