Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
