I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
