How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
