Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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