A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
