Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
