Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
