can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
fuck your aforementioned shoe
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
is it fun? or sober?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
