apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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