hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
