i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
