My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
