I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
