i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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