I faked an abortion last night.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
