Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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