It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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