Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
