I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
