I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize