I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
