The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
