My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
