I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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