Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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