My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
