He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
