I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That accounts for only three of the penises
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize